That's it, it sucks. Not for the lack of a better word, because that is totally the best word to describe the one year 'anniversary' of my Dad's death. Sucks.
So here we are, one year after I watched my Dad, my best friend, my hero - take his very last breath. He was amazing. Everything you could have ever wanted a father, grandfather, father in law, friend to be - he was.
I have cried at very random times over the last year, it makes me feel a little better but I know when I do it in the car, people must be looking at me like WTH!??! lol
It hurts, but like I have said, it's always going to hurt and I have accepted this. I have never asked why or said it wasn't fair because you know what? I believe God had his plan and it is what it is. There was a reason and who am I to question the plan? Again, it sucks but it wasn't my decision and I can live with that.
The last year has really flown by. I was 4 months pregnant with our 2nd child when my Dad died and a year later, I have a happy, healthy 7 month old little girl - who I know my Dad loved from the second he saw her ultrasound pictures. :) He was the first person I told and I will never forget how he cried. I wish I could have truly believed they were happy tears like he said, but just looking at him, he KNEW he wasn't going to be here. You could see it in his face. I know he fought as hard as he could, but before he died, I put his hand on my belly and said, I know you love this baby. :)
So, here's what I really want to say....
I miss...
- My Dad. Period.
- His laugh.
- His smile.
- Picking up the phone and hearing his voice.
- Being able to go and see him whenever we wanted.
- How Emilee's face would light up when she would hear him come through our garage door.
- How he would discipline Emilee like she was his own.
- How I could tell him anything and he never once judged me.
- How I could be completely honest with him. We never had secrets.
- How he loved Jason.
- How he told me he was proud of me almost on a daily basis.
- How he would get worried if we hadn't talked for 2 days.
- How, even when he was less then a week away from dying, was SO concerned because I twisted my ankle when I was pregnant.
- How he just knew me and things about me no one else knows.
- How accepting he was.
- Seeing him hug Emilee.
- Taking care of him.
- Him asking Emilee to get him a Boost. :)
- Hugging him.
- Baking and cooking for him.
- Him inviting us over just he could cook something on the grill for us.
- Bringing flowers over for Emilee when she was sick.
- Him babysitting Emilee. She would get away with murder!
- Sharing all of Emilee's accomplishments with him.
- Hearing him say 'I Love You.'
- Hearing him call Emilee his 'little bear.'
- Him getting Emilee's birthday cakes for her. It's just not the same when it doesn't come from Papa.
- Lecturing him about his smoking and Mountain Dew addiction.
- His voice. It was loud and gentle all at the same time.
- How he loved me. Unconditionally.
- HIM. Period.
I do get to hear him...my girls have build a bears with a recording he did for each of them. Even Paige, who wasn't born yet. When I press the button, she stops what she is doing and will just listen. I love it. Then there is Emilee. She tells me almost daily how much she misses Papa, but makes me smile because she likes to tell Paige all about him. Sweet girls I have, their Papa would be so proud of them!
So that is about it for today. I miss my Dad but I pray he is in a better place and that I WILL see him again. It's a hope I cling to every day and it gets me through.
Take care everyone!
Jaime
